Auto Pilot.............Disengage

When Chad and I learned of Johanna's Trisomy 18 diagnosis, I think we both went on auto pilot. Neither of us discussed it at the time, but I think we both knew we weren't piloting our respective ships.

This is one of the parts of grieving, or going through a valley/trial that I don't think anyone expects. Well, I didn't expect it anyway. We were living our lives, and everything was getting done, but we were just numb to what was happening around us. I hope that doesn't sound cruel or harsh, because it's really not meant to. It's just another part of our story. Whenever you receive a "negative" diagnosis of any kind, you are usually offered some sort of counseling. Chad and I declined because the type of counseling didn't seem like what we needed. I don't regret that decision for us, but it might be what's needed for someone else.

For us, we just needed time. We both talked about this last night(we hadn't talked about this part of it in any detail), and it was amazing how similar we viewed our auto pilot situations exactly the same. And, we both agreed on when we came out of it.

Chad's trip away to the wagon train(it's still funny to me that he willingly spent 6 days in the summer heat on a horse, but that's the hubs), was our turning point. He and I talked about this last night, and neither one of us could decided what it was about this trip that turned off the auto pilot for both of us.

We realize that we are forever changed as individuals and as a couple. We didn't want to be changed, we were happy. But, if God makes us stronger and more happy then that would be OK too. Chad and I were truly created just for each other. Nobody else could stand either one of us for very long.

For now, we are back in the driver's seat. I of course mean this only metaphorically, because God is actually driving and planning our paths. It's just nice to be actively living life again, and not just wading through. I'm sure we will need auto pilot in the near future, once we say farewell to Johanna. But for now, it's good to be back.