63 Minutes

63 minutes, 3,780 seconds, 1/24 of an entire day, the time it takes to watch 1 episode of "24".  It seems so insignificant, but those 63 minutes forever changed my life.

Ever since we knew of Jo's T18 diagnosis, and we knew that she most likely wouldn't live long if at all, we prayed for a few very specific things.  We prayed that she would be born alive, that we would have time(No matter how brief) to hold her, that when the time came for her to make her crossing that it would be quick and peaceful, that we would hear her cry, that I would be the one holding her when she passed, and that she would have hair.  That last one was only my prayer.  It was just something that I wanted for me.

JoJo was born at 8:09am...............alive.  Dr. H gave us a very quick glance of our little girl and then passed her off to Dr. P, the neonatologist and his nurse.  From what I remember(and remember I've had a lot of pain meds since Friday) Johanna cried relatively quickly.  Her cry wasn't loud or strong, but it was enough to reassure her Mommy that she was alive. I wish there would have been a way to record her cry, but we didn't think of that ahead of time.  I'm hopeful that it will be forever etched in my mind.

Chad stayed by Jo's side the entire time.  He and the OR nurses would give me updates on Jo while Dr. H was finishing surgery.  Dr. P, the neonate, worked with Johanna very minimally before getting her cleaned up and handed to Chad.  Dr. P listened to her heart, and confirmed that she definitely had a major heart defect.  She also had some sort of esophageal blockage.  Chad(and me by proxy since we had already determined what we wanted ahead of time) again affirmed that we wanted no treatments or interventional medication for Johanna.  We just wanted all the time the Lord would give us.

As soon as she was cleaned and wrapped they brought her to me.  There is nothing like seeing your child for the first time.  Especially a child that we didn't know would make it until her birthday or not.  I can't describe the elation I had both when I heard her cry and then when I saw her.  She was beautiful.  She looked just like Clayton, with her Daddy's dark skin, and a head full of dark curly hair all her own.  She was the perfect mix of all 3 of us, and only Johanna all at the same time.  The Trisomy 18 was obvious to me, but that was OK, since that was a large part of who she was.

At this point, the nursing staff notified our family that Johanna was alive and crying.  They also retrieved the clothes and special hat that I had picked out for her to wear.  Dr. P listened to her heart again and told us that her heart rate was already falling and that his estimate of her life span would be 1 to 1 1/2 hours. We asked the nursing staff to tell our family that she was going to pass quickly and to bring Clayton to the hospital to meet his sister.  They did this for us.  I'm a little fuzzy on the details at this point, because I was soaking up my daughter, but I think that Dr. P may have went out to our family himself and told them what he had just told us.  If I'm wrong on that I'm sorry, but I think that's how it happened.

As soon as Dr. H was finished with the c-section we were taken to recovery.  The OR, Labor and Delivery, were kind enough to let me recover with my baby, and in a place where my family could be around us.  Chad, Johanna, and I arrived in the recovery room first, and we quickly asked that our family be brought in to meet this special little girl.  Once our family came in Johanna made the rounds with our entire family.  Everyone got to meet her, kiss on her, hug her, and tell her how much they loved her.  After everyone had a turn, the NICU nurse listened to Jo's heart and said that her heart rate was very low.  We asked that everyone leave so that Chad and I could be alone with her when she went to the Lord.  They very kindly stepped out of the room and gave us our time.

We quickly undressed JoJo and laid her on my chest.  I remember weeping, only for me though.  I kissed her on the top of the head and told her that she could go.  I told her how much I loved her, how much she had changed my life, how proud I was to be her mom, how much I would miss her, and that I would see her again as soon as the Lord would let me.  Chad was right beside of my bed touching her and me at the same time.  He was weeping as well, and telling her all the same things that I was telling her.  It's hard to let your baby go, even when you're giving her back to her Creator. 

Dr. P came back over to us and pronounced her time of death as 9:12am.

Johanna only had 63 minutes in this world, but she forever changed it for those that knew her and her story.  I'm grateful that God gave her to me.  Even though my heart is broken right now, I'm still thankful that she was mine for a few minutes. In those 63 minutes God answered every single prayer that we had prayed for Johanna and for us. She was born alive.  We had time to hold, cuddle, and love on her.  We heard her cry, and it was a wonderful sound.  She passed quickly and very peacefully.  I was holding her when she went to Jesus.  And she had a head full of curly black hair.

Her 63 minutes were beautiful.