Monday, September 21, 2009

34 weeks

Actually 34 weeks tomorrow, but you get the point. I can't believe we've made it this far. And if all goes as planned(nothing has went as planned, so I'm not holding my breath), then we'll get to meet our little girl 5 weeks from this Friday. That's crazy and really soon, and so far away all at the same time.

I think I can finally say that I'm excited to meet Johanna. As excited as I was when we were counting down the days until Clayton was born. Chad and I have worked through a lot of the what-ifs, and what-nots. I'm not dreading her birth like I was for a long long time. I'm ready to have pregnancy behind us, and move on to a new chapter. Whatever that chapter is. Whether its grieving her death, or coping with caring for a severely disabled child(will probably the former and not the latter), we're as ready as we can be. I do say that pretty lightly. I don't think a person can ever prepare for either scenario. Even a super planner like myself, is bound to be surprised by something, if not everything.

I even bought her a few outfits last week. I had held off buying anything(and I do mean anything) for her, but the closer we get, the more hopeful I am that she will be born alive. I'm trying to be realistic and optimistic at the same time. That's quite the conundrum for someone like me.

For now, we're just taking one day at a time. I don't take it lightly that God has left her here with us for as long as He has. Very few Moms get to keep their T18 babies as long as I have been fortunate to keep Jo.

I can now honestly say that I'm confident in what God is doing. I honestly feel that I wouldn't change our circumstances, because if I change the T18, then I would be changing Johanna and who she is.

5 comments:

Kelly said...

I'm praying for you and little Jo everyday! I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know that your testimony is incredible and very God-glorifying. Thank you for that!

Love & hugs,
Kelly

christina said...

amen! amen!

and watch your mail....

loveu.

i waited till very late too, and caved and bought some booties. We knew she'd either be in NICU without to wear anything...or...something unknown.

Something i heard recently tho in my MEND group:

when it comes time to take family pictures at the holidays, like for your christmas letter or card, some of us moms feel like we can't include a picture of our babies...like last year, we included hers..but it's not like this year we'll take a pic of her gravemarker or something...so some moms said that they have a bear or something that she held or was near to her...or something that will always represent them ...so that every year, that thing is in the family photo. I don't remember if i shared this with you yet...mostly because i feel like it's reads to others like i'm already mourning her...and like you, we decided very early on..we would celebrate every day, not grieve her until...but you also know the process so far, too. So i know you get my heart.

so grateful for your friendship.

Allison said...

Amen sister! Im so glad that you feel so at peace with everything... we cant wait to meet Jo! :)

Julie said...

I pray for you and your family and read your blog often. Although I have never walked in your shoes I have helped others close to me with similar pain... I think your close family and your spritual beliefs will help you through this. Have someone take lot's of pictures and make a memory book of everything! God Bless you and I can't wait until I read the day that you get to meet your beautiful Johanna and I pray you get lots of time with her!!!

God Bless!

Kenzie said...

Nikki-

I'm getting excited for you both to meet your precious girl! I know that its exciting and scary and hopeful and realistic and thankful and sad and hard... all at the same time. You know that there are a million more emotions that go in that group as well, but each of us can chose whether we will glorify God through this experience that He has allowed in our life, or we can turn from Him. I am so proud of you and how you continue to seek Him, even in all the questions. I know that He is so greatly honored that you have honored the life that He gave to your in Johanna. I, like you, was so thankful just to be pregnant like I was in that 8 month mark. Praise God for the beauty in each day.

Lifting you and your precious girl up!
Kenzie