Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas 2009 is Over

And for that, this one person is extremely thankful.

I'll just be real with ya, I completely dreaded Christmas this year.  I knew the entire holiday would bombard me with thoughts of missing Johanna.  And since everything is still so fresh I wasn't sure that I even needed yet another reminder of how much I missed my little girl.  But we survived.  If I recall correctly I only had 1 really sad episode.  I was looking over Clayton's loot a few days prior to Christmas to make sure he had what I thought was enough presents.  And in true mommy fashion I decided he needed just a little more and had to add 1 more thing to the pile under the tree.  But as I looked at the large pile of plastic toys, I became a little wistful for Johanna.  It would have been awesome to have matched my babies in Christmas clothes, attempt to take a decent picture(you know that's not happening with 2 little ones), showed off my little girl at Christmas gatherings, and of course give her some totally wicked girl toys. 

But then I think a different way and remember where Johanna is and what she's doing.  And then I don't miss all of those things quite so much.  Of course I miss her.  I always will and I imagine each holiday or special day will always serve as a reminder of the things I'm not fortunate to have with her.  But I know she's so fortunate to miss all of the junk the rest of us in this world have to deal with every single day.

I'll never forget Chad's reaction to the T18 diagnosis.  Very calmly and quietly he said "Everything's OK".  I was so mad at him for saying that to me.  How in the world would anything be OK ever again?  I didn't know at that point how Chad could think in such a way.  I obviously feel differently now.  And even Christmas, the biggest holiday on the calendar was OK.


Jamie Lynn said...

Awh, what an awesome post.
&& if it helps I went down the girly aisle & the girly clothes more than once.. hahaha.
I think we all missed her. Most definately you of course:)
I love ya!! && I think you did awesome.

Monica said...

My husband has been the voice of reason for me several times in the last 9.5 months. I just kept reminding myself that Evan was spending his first Christmas with his grandmother holding him tight and celebrating Jesus' birth with Jesus. It helped take the sting off a bit, but my selfish side really still wanted him here.

Simply Donna...... said...

Even though you don't know it, I did think of you and your family alot during Christmas - wondering how you were handling things, wondering if you were having one of those special "moments" that only Moms or women could have or in my case - I call them meltdowns. I too, like Jamie, walked down the girly isles looking and thinking about Johanna. Everytime I get to thinking about Johanna, I remember that she is the lucky one - to be in heaven with Jesus - no pain, no suffering, no meltdowns. She is dancing and praising God and one day we will join her. Hold on to that thought! Love ya bunches!

Allison said...

Im glad that Christmas is over too. LOVE YOU!

Kelly said...

I was praying for you all so much this Christmas. I know it was so hard. Glad you're doing OK. Love ya!