Friday, June 12, 2009

My Princess

We're having a lock in for our girls tonight at church. It's a princess themed lock in. We're gonna do hair, makeup, nails, facials, and other all girlie stuff.

Yesterday I was getting a few things together, and it only reminded me more that I won't get to see my little girl turn in to a princess(or a tomboy, but you get the point). I'm not having a bad day, and nothings wrong, I just wanted to share my thought process. This blog is like a journal for me. I'm so very honored that someone besides my Mom and Simply Donna actually want to read it. I hope I can help someone else that might face these same things one day. I digress.

Back on point. I was buying hair bows and nail polish, and I just realized(I'm a little slow on the uptake I realize this now) that Johanna and I won't get to do these things together. I most likely won't be able to have her ears pierced, paint her tiny nails, or put big bows in her hair. I will probably be able to put her in only 1 dress, the dress she's buried in. Surprisingly, none of this saddened or disappointed me. I'm glad God gave me this thought on Thursday and not Wednesday. On Wednesday I would've downed a whole bottle of chocolate syrup if this realization would have happened.

While I am deeply heart broken, and sometimes feel a little cheated, that I won't have the opportunity to experience all of these things with my daughter, I still have a hope for her. My God will take her to be with Him, and He will make her His perfect princess. I don't imagine there's a need for princess parties in Heaven, but I like to imagine my little red headed(I'm hoping)girl perfected and healthy, care free, loving, and worshipping Her Lord. I don't know much about Heaven or what we will experience there. But, it give me great joy to think of Johanna enjoying all that God has to offer her in His heavenly home.

I hope I didn't depress you with all of this. It certainly wasn't my intention. This was intended to be uplifting. I felt uplifted after I thought on these things. It's just another thought I've had, and I'm trying to be 100% honest with all of you. I want Christ to be seen through all of this. If He's not seen and glorified, then Johanna's life will have been in vain.

I'm off to party with our fantastic church girls.


Rebecca said...

I know all about what 'shoulda been' and thinking about all the things we'll miss out on with Olivia.

I hope you don't think this next part is weird or morbid, but if God calls her Home early, besides picking out the perfect dress & maybe even a big bow headband, you could still lovingly paint her nails. That might be a special memory for you, if that would be meaningful to you....

HOPE said...

Hey nikki just wanted to let you know i read your blog every day.i cant remember how i came a cross it but i cant even remember my name some days jk just thought you would like to know that there are others that read your blog. And that i pray for you and your family every day im so glad your day is a little better today.& I loved the post about the patients the other day im there with ya i go though that every day where i work lol any way many blessings

Hope in newton nc

aubieharris said...

I don't think that's weird, I would want to do that myself.

And Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a free photography service that will help document that sad time in your life. while i've never had to experience it myself, lots of parents have stated they were glad they did it. but everyone has to decide what's right for them.

Praying for God's peace in Alabama

Joan Carr said...

I am so thankful that this day is better than the other day. some are good and some are better than good.(I don't like to see you hurt, and not be able to fix it)

It is amazing how our thought process works and how God allowed you to put the two together that "Johanna" is going to a perfect Far Away Princes Land with Her Prince.He is the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. And one day you will be united with her.

I like to imagine that she will come to "Grams" mansion for a while and we can hang out and talk about Heavenly things together like "Jesus" our saviour and how "The Lord is Gracious".

Anonymous said...

Hi Nikki, this is my first time commenting on your blog and I can't really remember how I came across it. I just wanted to say a word of encouragement to you as you process all that this journey is bringing your way.
It's such a blessing that God gives us the strength to get through the day in the midst of turmoil. And some days, a bottle of chocolate syrup is okay too.
Anyway, wanted to let you know I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

Simply Donna...... said...

Girl you are a princess yourself, so I have no doubt that Johanna is a princess. Like mother, like daughter, right? And I bet her hair will be red, like that handsome son of yours. Have full tonight hanging with the girls. Love ya!

Jamie Lynn said...

I have thought of the same things with Jo-Raye. Not in a motherly prespective of course but as being someone that is close to her. So I feel ya, just on a different level!

Party hard!! && stay up past your 9:00 curfew :) Be a rebel!