Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Why Not Me?

This one's long, and I apologize from the beginning. If you have better things to do(like make a necklace from your toe nail clippings) I totally understand.

A very sweet lady in our church gave me a book to read entitled, "When God Breaks Your Heart", by Ed Underwood. This lady lost her husband of many many years last fall. She is a very precious lady. And we don't use the term "lady" loosely here in the south. She's earned it. I was very honored that she would even consider me worthy(for lack of a better word) to read her book. It's fantastic, you should deffo consider reading it if you've been through any kind of tragedy.

When I read the title I assumed that the book would be about dealing with the things/problems that God allows in your life. And in some ways it is. However, the main premise of the book is trusting God's plan even when you feel that He has disappointed you. That's a big pill to swallow, and if you're not ready then don't swallow it. We're always taught that God's will and plan are perfect, and they are. I'm not disputing that argument, and will never dispute it. I guess I had not let myself think that God's plan for Johanna's life, and the plan for our family, would be disappointing. After all, I'm a life long/career church girl. Besides work and sleep, it's all I do. And, I wouldn't change that for anything. I love it.

Sometimes we don't let ourselves believe or accept that God's ways aren't our ways, and that they can be disappointing, because that could mean(only to our minds) that we have a lack of faith. We aren't trusting, or being the appropriate Christian, if we don't fully like, accept, and appreciate what God is doing.

The author of this book uses the story of Lazarus' death and resurrection as his illustration through out the entire book. So far, he has focused more on the reactions of Mary and Martha, Lazarus' sisters, than on the miracle of Lazarus' resurrection.

Mr Underwood poses this question when we are facing a tragedy. "Why not me?" Let me explain how he uses the question. In our situation it would be posed as, why do I not get to have my daughter, and experience all the things a mother should with her daughter.? I'm a(trying to be anyway)godly, loving, caring, and thoughtful parent to my son, have I not proved that I can do this? Why does God take my child from me, and allow another parent to either abort, abuse, or neglect their child. It simply doesn't seem fair. And, to our human perspective(obviously it's the only one we have) it isn't fair. It's too hard to understand.

Mary and Martha asked this of Christ. This is paraphrased. "Lord why even bother raising Lazarus? Why didn't you come sooner when you could have helped him? Why didn't you do something to help your dear friend and our brother? You have healed other strangers, why did you let Lazarus die? And why now do you want us to open his grave? You know he has already started to decompose. " These are all valid questions, and they are part of grieving.

Are you ready for the answer? It's a good one.

He loves me. That's why He has chosen this path for me. He loves me and you too. He picked me/us to experience this level of hurt, so I get to experience a deeper level of love, grace, peace, and comfort from Him. Not that He loves me more than He loves anyone else. I am just fortunate to see a side of God that a lot of others won't be able to experience. I'm special, but you knew that already HAHA. It's a hard pill to swallow. Some days I don't want to be special. I want to be a normal(and if you know me, you know I'll never be normal) pregnant mom, carrying a normal baby girl. That's not His plan though. He has something bigger and better for me. And, I'm so excited to see what it's gonna be.

Just my thoughts for the day. Halfway through the week, and today's my Friday. Don't get jealous. A maybe dinner date after church tonight with the hubs, and a mini vacay the rest of the week. I really am living the good life. Take that Paris Hilton. I wouldn't trade with you if I could. Hope your day is as great as mine.


Frugal Jen said...

Thank you for sharing this.

Jamie Lynn said...

I would trade with Paris Hilton but just take all her money & switch back because I like my life pretty good:)

Love you Nikki, you are amazing!<3

Joan Carr said...

Well I see that you are getting it.I am glad that the book is helping you see that you are going to see a part of God that you would never have experienced if God had allowed Johanna to be formed any other way than He has created her. God has His way of working in our lives that is totally unexpected from us.

kirstenpetree said...