Monday, November 23, 2009

Coulda....Shoulda....Woulda

It's been one month today since we said both hello and goodbye to Johanna.  In some ways it has flown by.  But most of the time I feel like I am standing still, just watching the world go by.  It's a strange feeling.

I woke up this morning with this thought on my mind.  If Johanna had been a normal, healthy little girl, what would my days be like?  They would be filled with changing diapers, making and washing bottles, changing clothes, giving baths, rocking her to sleep, and changing more diapers.  We would have been going through a serious amount of diapers since Clayton is still in diapers.  Instead today I'm going to buy groceries, make a lasagna for dinner, and then read.  Clayton is hanging out with his Mawmaw(Chad's mom) and Aunt Jamie today.

I hesitated to put this next part on here, but for the sake of transparency I might as well share.  I also, and I guess selfishly, wondered if anybody else besides Chad and me would remember that she would have been a whole month old today.  I don't say that to try to get anyone to feel sorry for me, or for anyone to think that I've been forgotten.  That's not the case at all.  It was just a thought I had.  I was just wondering who Johanna had touched, and if they remembered her today.  Even though my little girl is in Heaven now, I'm still a Mom.  And Mom's miss their babies when they aren't around.  I miss Clayton right now, and he's only about 2 miles away.

OK, enough bemusings about coulda, shoulda, woulda.  God has been very gracious to me. Even with Johanna, He gave me more than I could have ever dreamed with her.  I am one of the fortunate T18 Moms that got to hold and cuddle my baby before the Lord took her with Him.  So, even on the strange days(it's not a hard day, just a strange one) I am blessed.  I have my salvation, and that provides me with the privilege of spending eternity in Heaven with my JoJo, worshipping and praising our Lord together.

And somebody special(not me) has a b-day tomorrow.  Check back in tomorrow, and we'll embarass them.

8 comments:

Monica said...

Johanna has touched more people than you realize. I still get emails and cards about how Evan touched someone and I'm sure Johanna's story will continue to touch people. I know she touched me and I remember.

Allison said...

N, I want you to know that I think of Johanna every single day. I have sat in class reading your posts (when I should have been listening to the lecture- haha) and have had people, who must have seen me reading it, come up to me after class asking me about it. I have had the opportunity to share Johanna's story with many people and it brings me to tears of joy each and every time. They knew nothing of your story, yet for some reason, they asked to hear more. The Lord works in ways that we'd never imagine and I will continue to share Jo's story with anyone who will listen :) Your little girl is making footprints on hearts all over the world. :)

Jamie Lynn said...

I know who has a birthday!!!:D
&& I remembered today.

Emma and Company said...

Happy One Month in Heaven Johanna! You have touched so many lives and now you are being blessed with the presence of Jesus in Heaven and loving parents and a sweet brother on Earth--how wonderful is that???!!!

Rebecca said...

Johanna,

Even though you only spent minutes here on earth, your footprints have been left on many hearts and lives. One month without you might feel like an eternity to those who love you most, but the day will come when it really will be eternity together.

Well missed means well loved.

Rebecca

Alan Carr said...

I remembered. I also remembered that our omniscient, omnipotent heavenly Father made a sovereign choice to spare Johanna the pain of earth and grant her the glories of His presence. Our sense of loss is real, probably not a real as yours, but real nonetheless. I am reminded everyday that we grieve a dream, and at the same time, we celebrate the knowledge that Johanna is not lost; we know where she is. We celebrate the fact that she is free from the horrors of Trisomy 18. We celebrate the fact that one day the family circle will be complete in Heaven. I remembered her short life; I also remembered that we are one month closer to seeing her again.

I love you Nikki! I pray you will have a blessed day in the Lord.

Myra said...

I agree with others who have already commented. I think about Johanna very, very often. And I pray for you almost every day.

Johanna's life touched mine in an incredible way and I'm confident that your testimony about her life will continue to shine Christ throughout your community and the world.

Holly said...

I can totally relate to the "time flying by but standing still". I certainly feel the same way! I often think of what I would be doing if Carleigh was here. My life would be quite different and a lot busier! Although I know she is in the most wonderful place, I still wish I could have that. And you know, I have thought the same thing about whether someone else remembered that she would be 'this old' today or tomorrow, etc. For me, it's I just don't want her to be forgotten. I know she'll never be forgotten by me. That could never happen, but by others.

In any case, I know I'm a few days late (haven't been reading much this past week) but I want to wish Johanna a happy 1 month in Heaven and also send you a ((hug)).