Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Just Thinking

Yesterday, Chad and I went to Johanna's grave for the first time since her funeral.  It was a surreal experience in a lot of ways.  The casket spray was still lying on the ground so I picked it up and threw it away.  Then, I replaced it with a dozen fresh mini orange roses.  I also noticed that her temporary marker had already been placed.  I don't know what I was expecting, but it had her name and birth/death date on it.

I have always enjoyed walking through a cemetery and reading the headstones.  I think you can learn a lot about how a family feels about their loved ones by what they chose for their headstone.  After we finished at Jo's grave site we stopped by their office to ask about the requirements for getting a headstone.  The lady gave Chad some pamplets and the basic information. 

I know that only my daughter's physical body is placed there on the side of the road across from the rock quarry, but in some way it made me feel closer to her to be there.  I guess since her funeral was the last "thing" we did for her, then its just nice to be near that place.  I don't want to spend a lot of time at her grave because I want her life to be about life, and not about death.  But to me there is a calm and a peace found in a cemetery.  I have always felt that, and I don't really know why. 

Yesterday, in the cemetery, the Lord gave me renewed calm and peace about Jo's life and her ultimate homegoing.  I still don't know all the He has planned for me and all the ways that He will use her life to reach other people.  But, I'm so thankful He chose Johanna for our family.  I can now honestly say that I would do all of this again.  I'm grateful that He chose me to be her Mom.


Rebecca said...


What a great place to be: amazed by His purpose for you & your pain and willing to do it all over again.

I find comfort at the cemetery. It's just peaceful there and I feel close to Olivia.

Allison said...

:) You never cease to amaze me, Nikki! It melts my heart knowing that you are in such a good place right now- I am so thankful that you are choosing to rejoice in Johanna's life instead of focusing on her death. The Lord is truly using you every post to teach me something that I didnt know about myself and my life. Thank you!

Jamie Lynn said...

I remember once I went with you and Chad to a funeral in that cemetary. I can't even remember who's it was..
&& me and you walked around the cemetary looking at people's headstones and talking about how much you can learn!
I never even fathomed that we'd be there. Weird. It's one of those "that'd never happen to me" moments that became true.

I love you and I'm very proud of you and Chad!

Holly said...

I enjoy going to the cemetery where Carleigh is. Always have. It's not a place of sorrow for me anymore.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

You are such an amazing Mom. I love that you are able to rejoice in Johanna's life. She has touched the hearts of many people who never even "met" her!

Monica said...

The cemetery is a place of comfort for me also. I really thought I would struggle with it, but I KNOW he is not there. It is just a place I can leave things for him and remember him.

Adrienne said...

Nikki- I cannot say I know what you're going through because I don't but I so admire your strength and faith in God.