The Days After

I had tried to think ahead about what the days after Johanna's passing and funeral would be like.  I knew there was no way to prepare myself, but I thought maybe I could brace myself for what was coming.

Friday through Monday were the easiest days so far.  Tuesday of last week wasn't very bad, because I was so tired.  I had to sleep and rest all day.  I want to be very honest for my sake, becuase I don't want to forget what this journey has been like.

Clayton came home to stay(he had been mostly staying at his grandparent's house) on Tuesday evening.  It was absolutely wonderful to have him home.  Soon enough I will be able to pick him up again.  Can't wait!! 

I remember waking up Wednseday morning feeling very empty.  I don't say that to mean that my husband, my family, my friends, or most importantly my Lord had abandoned me. That couldn't be farther from the truth.  Put simply, I felt like a part of me was missing.  And I guess, in a way, it was.  I had the privilege of having Johanna with me for 9+ months.  March through October.  We spent the spring, summer, and early fall together.  You get used to feeling those kicks and rolls.  And just like I missed them after Clayton was born, I missed them after Johanna was born.  I can say that for today, at least this hour, I don't feel empty.  It's a feeling that comes and goes.

It's amazing when you experience a loss, and I would venture to guess a loss of any kind, how your emotions play tricks on you.  The big things I can handle.  Walking through the baby section to buy Clayton diapers, not a problem.  Talking to a pregnant friend about how she's feeling, not a problem.  Losing a round of Phase 10(a really fun card game that Chad and I discovered recently), and I have a total meltdown.  Why?  I felt like a total failure in every aspect of my life.  I know not that's a totally ridiculous jump, but that's how I felt.

I have never had the opportunity/privilege to send a child back to the Lord.  Clayton was given back to God before He was born, but I get to keep him with me for a while.  I get to experience all the joys and heartbreaks of parenting with Clayton.  I had to give Johanna back before any of us really knew her.  I say that to say this.  I only weep for me, and I only grieve for me.  I miss my baby girl more than words can express, but I wouldn't bring her back to me for any price.  I know what she's doing today, and that makes me smile.  I wish Chad, Clayton, all of our friends and family, and myself were there with here.  But, I do not wish she was here with us. She's far better off with our Lord than she is with me.  Even though I still miss her terribly.

So now we're at 10+ days since Johanna was both born and went to live forever in Heaven.  How are we doing?  That's a loaded question and the answer depends on when you ask.  Right now, I'm a solid OK.  The Lord has been very gracious and merciful to me.  I am fortunate enough to experience wonderful peace.