Monday, November 30, 2009

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

I finally got my tree put up tonight.  I say finally, because I usually get it done the day after Thanksgiving.  After our Black Friday shopping extravaganza I just didn't have the energy.  And then on Saturday our youth choir sang at a festival in near Blowing Rock.  When all that was said and done it was later than we had planned when we finally got home.  Yesterday was Sunday, and you know how busy that is.  And to top it off, Clayton and I had to leave church after Sunday School due to an unexplained high fever(his, not mine).  He's almost back to his normal self today, so I have no idea what was going on.  I'm just glad he's feeling better.

Today I was able to finish all but 3 of the people on my Christmas shopping list.  I'm super excited.  I'm never ever this close to being finished with Christmas shopping this early in the season.  Usually I'm just happy to even have a start by now.  I guess some time out of work has helped to speed things along.  Mom and I have also been able to finish up our angel tree child and children's home child and get a few little things for a family in need.  It's been so much fun to shop for someone else.  Don't get me wrong, I love buying for Clayton.  But there's a different joy that comes from helping someone who truly needs what God allows you to provide. 

All in all, I think I've done pretty well with the start of the Christmas season.  I did have two moments today that made me think about Johanna with both sadness(only for me) and joy(for both her and me).  Mom and I had picked out some super steals at The Children's Place for all the kids we were buying for and I found myself wondering what it would be like to pick out a Christmas outfit for Johanna.  I am that mom who would match all their kids for the itchy uncomfortable picture.  And later this evening I had another moment where my thoughts returned to Johanna and how much I miss her.  Again I am that mom who has a matchy matchy tree.  I do red and silver.  Over the summer I had 2 ormanents made for my babies.  One has Clayton's name on it with his birth year, 2008.  The other has Johanna's name with her birth year, 2009.  I hung those 2 ornaments on either side of the large silver "C"(for Carswell, aren't I clever).  It was bittersweet for a lot of different reasons.

There are times that I wish for more of her.  But there are times when I think I got the right amount of her.  So now, late this evening, I'm missing my baby. But, at the same time I'm so thankful that she is safe with our Lord.  She will have a better Christmas than I could ever dream of having.  She is forever with the Christ of Christmas.

I hope your Christmas is starting off with a bang.  I love this time of year. It's crazy busy but so much fun.


christina said...

ah girl. i'm with you in all of this. Thank you for your note on my post too. :) but just know that i'm still carrying you in my heart. friends here ask about you. I think that's so cool. How the body of Christ works in all that know Him. I'm thankful for where our babies are but God also made us moms so we are allowed to wonder what life would have been like. I do that A LOT! it's a moment of "wow. if i had her, or if i had them both with me, i'd never be able to do this." or even "afford this." Sometimes, it's easy to get caught in the "wow, that's pretty morbid that i can do this or that because my baby girl died." but then we realize, we take the good with the bad. gladly. because life is so different now and we are different now and we wouldn't have it ANY other way. Praise God!

Jamie Lynn said...

Mom bought an ornament yesterday for Johanna.. && I got one for Clayton. It's precious.

Ha, I was looking at these little Santa dresses in Walmart and thought about her..

Love ya!

Holly said...

I love this time of year too. It'll be bittersweet. Celebrating Jesus' birth but also going through our first Christmas without our baby girl. I know we can do it.

Kelly said...

Thinking about you and praying for you today! It sounds like you have a beautiful tree!