Thursday, November 5, 2009

Oh Bla Di, Oh Bla Da................ la how the life goes on.

It almost seems unfortunate that life doesn't get to go into pause mode after something "tragic".  It's crazy to me how things are starting to return to the most normal state they've been in months around our house.  Don't mistake that for any semblance of real normality, because we never ever have that.  There are bills to be paid, groceries to be bought, baths to give(and take), Christmas coming soon to think about, floors to be swept and mopped, a puppy to try to house train(not going so well), and hopefully very soon(for Chad's sake) dinner's to be cooked.

It seems like everything keeps moving on, but there's a part of you(or me or whomever) stuck. I want to start moving on and begin the healing process in all respects.  But, I'm so afraid I'll forget something import about Johanna.  Her picture is hanging on the wall and sitting on the dining room table, and her memory box is full of sweet, beautiful memories.  I'm still afraid that, with time, I'm gonna forget something.  Because I don't get to build a life time of memories with her like I do with Clayton I want to remember, in detail, absolutely everything about Johanna.

I know this is simply part of the process of grieving/mental healing, and I must deal with it.  Even better than that I know that I can conquer this.  Romans 8:37 says "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."  These things being all the things listed in versers 35 and 36.  That list broadly encompasses anything and everything we will face in life.  Because Christ loves me, and died for me, I am already a conqueror.  With His help I can do this.

Just my mutterings for for what I'm dealing with today.  I've always wanted to be real, honest, and transparent.  I'm still trying to do that even now that things hurt a little more than they have in the past.  I want Christ to be glorified, and His name to be praised.

I'm going out for a little while with my Mom.  We're going to try a little more money saving(we're both slightly obscess at this point).  I have a Christmas present(or 2) I am going to buy for a certain redhead.  If it goes as well as I hope, maybe I'll share the deals with you so you can get this too if you would like.  Hope your Thursday is great.  Thanks for being my personal therapist for the day.  You've been wonderful and much less expensive than someone with a PhD.


christina said...

without a degree, take this or leave it... :) but it sounds like you are right where you should be in the journey. it was important to us too to get pics up immediately. and to talk about her lots and lots, even if it meant repeating all the same things i'd been saying. Asking mitch what he thought about specifically that day about cana, sharing an email from an encourager, or typing and typing and typing. And the days i didn't cry, i felt guilt for feeling good. And the days i cried, i felt weaker in my faith. As if tears mean God isn't carrying us. i love you. i'm proud of you guys. i'm encouraged by your faith and journey. muah.

Jamie Lynn said...

You can heal.
You won't forget.
It's impossible.
Plus, when you think you have forgotten, you wrote it all down and can just go back and remember:)
Love ya!

Holly said...

Gosh, how I've wished things could pause but the world keeps spinning no matter what. I notice how normalcy creeps in and in some ways it just doesn't feel right but you know it has to happen.

I'm afraid of forgetting the details too. That's why I try and write down all the memories so they'll always be there for me to look back on. There will always be documentation of her life.

Feel free to mutter away whenever!!